About the Author
When I realized I needed help to walk the road of loving a sex addict, I didn’t trust anyone. The process of learning how and who to trust was long and filled with potholes. But one principle became clear fairly quickly: those who were trustworthy understood pain. They also knew that revealed pain is sacred. Because of these noble persons, I became willing and able to share my story. In many ways, this book is an effort to pass on their generosity and wisdom.
I discovered I loved to write in the fifth grade when I wrote about the passing of my great-grandmother for a reflections writing contest. Since then, I have used this love in various forms: newspaper and magazines, a blog, as well as for federal and foundational grant requests. And now, in this book. My favorite use of the written word is communicating my undying love to my family.
My Story
I was 46 when it felt like my life—or what I thought was my life—was desecrated by what I call “the Bomb.” When my husband of almost 24 years, sat me down and vomited his sins: call girls, strip clubs, and phone sex were mentioned without me fully understanding. Up to that point, I had no clue that Jack had been lusting, viewing pornography, and masturbating our entire marriage.
I assured him we could get through it. And then I went into shock. Jack promised that nothing else would happen—ever. In desperation, I tried to believe him.
A week later, I found motel receipts. The next morning, I checked bank records and was sick from the charges I saw and what they revealed. I told Jack that I didn’t know what he was doing or who he was, but if he didn’t get help, I would leave him that day. Terrified by his own lack of control, within the week Jack enrolled in an inpatient facility for substance abuse, as we thought the root of the problem was Jack’s drug and alcohol use. Substance use seemed to always accompany the explosion of sexual misconduct. However, at some point in the 45-day program, the resident counselor suggested Jack was a sex addict.
“What is that?” I asked with horror at what the term conjured up in my mind. I was aware of alcohol and substance addiction, but I had never heard of sexual addiction. And pornography addiction wasn’t a pop culture term yet, so I had no context for understanding.
This diagnosis shattered my life into pieces that circled around me in ways I could not grasp. I felt I was living a nightmare. I cried so hard at night I honestly wondered if I would die of a broken heart. I had thought Jack loved me. I felt like my very foundation was gone. When I learned that Jack had wrestled with pornography and masturbation since being a teenager, I felt like my life was a lie. And when I learned how addiction results from the inability to handle intense emotion and that Jack’s fear that I might die from a recent illness had escalated his poor choices, I also felt betrayed by God.
When Jack was released from the in-house addiction program, we enrolled in an outpatient program for sex addicts and their spouses called LifeStar. Jack also found a therapist and began attending meetings sponsored by Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). SA is an international 12-step nonprofit program for sex addicts that mirrors in process and concept the ideas of Alcoholic Anonymous. When Jack learned there was also a spouse/family meeting called S-Anon held in the same building and at the same time as his meeting, he asked me to try it out.
In those meetings I began to learn how I was damaged by living with an addict. Sanon meetings also provided a strong foundation for me to rebuild on. Not only were the meetings educational, but they provided both social and spiritual support for a journey that seemed taboo to talk about at church, at work, or with extended family. Our 12-step groups taught us how to sit with others in the same pain. This eventually translated into the ability to sit with each other in the painful times required to heal ourselves and our marriage.
“What is that?” I asked with horror at what the term conjured up in my mind. I was aware of alcohol and substance addiction, but I had never heard of sexual addiction. And pornography addiction wasn’t a pop culture term yet, so I had no context for understanding.
This diagnosis shattered my life into pieces that circled around me in ways I could not grasp. I felt I was living a nightmare. I cried so hard at night I honestly wondered if I would die of a broken heart. I had thought Jack loved me. I felt like my very foundation was gone. When I learned that Jack had wrestled with pornography and masturbation since being a teenager, I felt like my life was a lie. And when I learned how addiction results from the inability to handle intense emotion and that Jack’s fear that I might die from a recent illness had escalated his poor choices, I also felt betrayed by God.
When Jack was released from the in-house addiction program, we enrolled in an outpatient program for sex addicts and their spouses called LifeStar. Jack also found a therapist and began attending meetings sponsored by Sexaholics Anonymous (SA). SA is an international 12-step nonprofit program for sex addicts that mirrors in process and concept the ideas of Alcoholic Anonymous. When Jack learned there was also a spouse/family meeting called S-Anon held in the same building and at the same time as his meeting, he asked me to try it out.
In those meetings I began to learn how I was damaged by living with an addict. Sanon meetings also provided a strong foundation for me to rebuild on. Not only were the meetings educational, but they provided both social and spiritual support for a journey that seemed taboo to talk about at church, at work, or with extended family. Our 12-step groups taught us how to sit with others in the same pain. This eventually translated into the ability to sit with each other in the painful times required to heal ourselves and our marriage.
Though we immersed ourselves in recovery activities, the pull of Jack’s addiction was strong. He had several serious relapses. We went through almost three years of hell before I fully committed to stay in the marriage.
For me, this journey included grappling with co-dependency, my own compulsions, and my worth as a human being. I was subsequently diagnosed with, and worked to heal from resulting somatic health problems, PTSD, and betrayal trauma. Forgiveness was also a huge issue in my journey. Early in recovery, I could not fathom being able to forgive Jack. A trusted individual suggested that if I couldn’t forgive, maybe I could leave room in my heart to think about forgiving. That seed eventually matured into complete forgiveness.
During this journey, I learned to go to God with my feelings of betrayal, anger, heartache, and loss; At first in defiance and then in acceptance. Through walking this journey with God, I became a better and more authentic friend, daughter, sister, mother, and grandmother than I was before.
It took a decade of continuous work before I could share what I had learned without any bitterness or shame. Another five years have passed, bringing with them additional life challenges, some of them very difficult. Each situation shows me the recovery work I still have to do. I now accept this process of self-discovery as the journey of my life. In this book, I share much of that journey with you, hoping it will aid you as you walk your path.